A dignified death
A teacher asks his students how a beautiful death would be for them.
A small student answers that it would be to die like her grand-father.
The teacher asks her how it happened. The student says that he fell asleep.
Then, the teacher asks his students how a horrible death would be for them.
The small student answers that it would be to die like her grand-father's friends.
The intrigued teacher asks her how it happened.
The student answers that they went in the car when her grand-father fell asleep.
The Cry Wall
A journalist heard something about a Jewish old man who had been praying next to the Cry War for many years, every year. So, she went there to ckeck it. Surprisingly, she identified him easily while she was approaching.
She observed him while he was praying.
After 45 minutes, she approached him to interview him, at the moment the old man turned to leave.
Excuse me, Sir. I'm Rebecca Smith, a journalist, would you mind me asking what your name is?
My name is Morris Fishbein, the elderly man, he said.
How long have you come here, Sir? The journalist asked him.
At about 60 years.
60 years! It's amazing! And what is the motive? The woman asked him yet again.
I pray for peace among Christians, Jewishes and Muslims, that all wars finish shortly, that people don't hate each other, that children grow up as responsible adults and love his neighbours.
And, how do you feel after these 60 years?
As if I had been talking to a wall.
"Listen López!"
"Listen López, this is the forth day that you are late this week! What do you think about it?"
"My conclusion is that today is Thursday, my boss"!
"Give me the baby!"
.jpg)
- "My dear, give me the baby!"
- "Wait for a while until he cries".
- "Oh, my God! Why?"
- "Because I don't find him!"
English humour
One of the funniest comedy sketches of all time
The wall of the Lamentations
A reporter of CNN heard something about an old Jewish man who had gone to pray to The Wall of the Lamentations for many years on a daily basis. That's why the journalist went there to check it.
She observed him meanwhile he was praying.
After 45 minutes, when the old man was going to leave, she approached and interviewed him.
"Excuse me sir, I'm Rebecca Smith, a reporter of CNN. Would you mind telling me his name, please?"
"Morris Fishbein", he said.
"How many times have you been coming here, sir?"
"At about 60 years."
"60 years! Its amazing! And why or what do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace among Christians, Jewishes and Muslims, that all the wars finish and that chidren grow up as responsible people loving their neighbours."
"And how do you feel after these 60 years?"
"I feel as I had been talking to a wall."
Confusion
The last day of the course, the pupils gave some presents to their teacher.
The florist's son gave her a bunch of roses and the confectioner's son gave her a beautiful box of chocolates.
The owner's son of the wine cellar approached her with a heavy huge box.
The teacher realised that something dripped from the base of the box. So that, she took a drop of the liquid with her finger and tried it. "Is it wine?, she asked.
"No", the little boy replied.
Next, the teacher tried it again and asked, "Champagne?"
"No", the little boy answered.
"I give up!", the teacher said.
"A small dog!", the boy answered.
A lovely death
A teacher asks his pupils, "How would a lovely death be for you?"
A little student answers from the bottom of the class, "It would be like my grand-father died."
"¿Would you mind me asking how your grand-father died, please?"
She replied, " He fell asleep."
Then, the teacher asks his pupils, " And how would a terrible death be for you?"
The little student answers again, " It would be like the friends of my grand-father died."
"And, How did they die?"
She replied, " They went on the car of my grand-father when he fell asleep."
At the train station
Three Galician people arrive at the train station when the last train from Madrid to Corunna is leaving. That's why they start to run in order to take it.
The first one can get on with the help of the guard. The second one too; however, the third one can't catch up with them and he leaves alone at the platform.
One person sees the situation and says to the last one, "Well, good average, two out of three Galician people got on."
But, the Galician person, who couldn't get on, clarifies, "Yes, it's true; however, I was who had to travel. They just came to say to me goodbye.
A good negociated agreement or the importance of knowing how to argue
A domestic worker asked for a payrise to the lady of the house, but the lady disagreed in this point and ask her why she believed she deserved a payrise.
The domestic worker said there were three reasons:
"The first one is that I iron the clothing much better than you."
"Who has said this thing?", replied the lady.
"Her husband", said the domestic worker.
"Oh,dawn!"
"The second reason is that I cook much better than you."
"This is totally false, who has said to you such things?"
"Her husband too, madam."
"My goodness!"
"And the most important reason is the third one, I'm much beeter than you in bed."
At that moment, the lady started to get very angry and asked her, crying aloud:
"Has my husband said to you this point?"
"No, madam, the gardener is who has said to me this."
AS THE RESULT, the domestic worker got a pay rise.
Clever pupils
Teacher: What must I do in order to deliver 11 potatoes among 7 people?
Pupil: Potatoe purée, sir.
Teacher: Joaquín, tell me the present tense of the verb "to walk"!
Pupil: I walk, you walk, he walks.
Teacher: Faster!
Pupil: We run, you run, they run.
Teacher: What is the tense of the verb "it rained"?
Pupil: It's a very bad weather, teacher.
Teacher: How many hearts we have?
Pupil: two ones, sir.
Teacher: Two?
Pupil: For sure, sir! Mine and yours.
Two students are late at school. The first one explains that he has woken up late. He sais he went to The Polinesia and the travel lasted so much.
The second one sais he went to the airport to wait for him.
Teacher: Paco, tell us 5 things which contains milk!
Pupil: Yes, sir. A piece of cheese and 4 cows.
Teacher: María, point on the map where North America is!
Pupil: Here is it, teacher!
Teacher: OK! Now, the rest of you answer! Who discovered Amercia?
The rest of the pupils: María!
Teacher: What is a fraud?
Pupil: It's what you are doing now.
The angry teacher ask him: How is it?
Pupil: According to the penal code, all people who take advantage of the ignorance of the others in order to damage him/her, commits fraude.
Teacher: Juanito, say to me sincerely, Do you pray before eating?
Juanito: No, madam, I don't need it, my mother is a great cook!
Teacher: Arturo, your writing about your dog is identical to the writing of your brother. Have you copied it?
Arturo: No, teacher, the fact is that the dog is the same.
Teacher: Carlitos, how is the person who continues talking although the rest of the people aren't interested called?
Carlitos: Teacher
A genie inside a bottle
A couple were playing golf on a distinguished field surrounded by awesome mansions. When the husband hit the ball three times said to his wife "My dear, take care when you hit the ball. You could break some of the windows of those houses. It would cost a fortune to repair them."
Unfortunately, she hit strongly the ball and broke one of those windows.
He reproached her "I said to you that you took care of it. And now, what can we do?" Let's go to apologize and let's see how much the repair costs."
They knock the door and they listen to "You can come in, the door isn't locked."
They open the door, see that tthe floor is covered with glass, a broken bottle near the table and an elegant man sits down on a confortable amchair, who ask them " Did you break the window?" "Yes, we did", the husband answers shyly. "We are very sorry. We wanted to pay for the caused damage."
The genie says "At all, I'm who must thank to you. I'm a genie who was inprisonment inside that bottle for thousands of years, You realised me. So that, I'm going to concede you two desires but the third one will be for myself."
"Wow, it's fantastic!", the husband saiys. "I would like a million of euros for the rest of my life."
"Any problem! It's the least that I could do for you."
"I want a house in every country of the world!", she adds.
"You desire is realised" , the genie says.
"And what is your desire, Genie?", the husband asks very interested.
Seconds later, Genie says " Since I was trapped inside that bottle thousands of years ago, I didn't take the opportunity of doing sex. Mi desire is to do sex with your wife because I always dreamt about to do it with the first wife I saw.
"Well, my dear, we earn a lot of money and houses. I don't know what you think but it's for once. I believe he isn't asking so much!"
The woman accepts enthusiastically. She thought "The guy is very attractive."
The genie hands her to a bedroom. Three hours spent together.
Finally, the genie looks at her and asks her "Tell me, I have a curiosity, how many years is your husband?". "Thirty and five years old", she answers.
The genie replies "I can't believe that he still believes in genies."
Moral:
" Dogs open its eyes when they are 15 days; however, stupids will never do that."
Brief jokes
Last night, a burglar broke into my house. He looked for money. I got up and we both started to search.
----------------
"Antonia, next Sunday we'll celebrate that we have been married for 40 years. That why I'm going to kill a chicken."
"But the chicken isn't guilty! Kill your cousin. He was the guilty that we met."
-------------------
This is a woman in a car desperate. "I don't understand, there are three pedals but, surprisingly, I only have two feet!"
-------------------
I LOOK FOR A MAN
with a good spelling
for having an intense textual connection.
---------------------
"Take, my son, my grand-mother gave it to my mother, my mother gave it to me and now I take it to you!"
"What is it, mom?"
"A slap in time"
----------------
"CLAUSTROPHOBIA" is the fear to closed spaces. For example, when I go to the bar, I'm afraid that it's closed.
----------------
My wife insists I use the toilet brush but, the truth is that I'm going to use the toilet paper again. I have the bottom full of scratches.
-------------------------
Popular brief jokes
"What thing has got 2 eyes and 100 teeth?"
"A crocodile"
"And 2 teeth and 100 eyes?"
"An INSERSO bus" ( for elder people in Spain)"
------------------------
She was a mother-in-law so evil, so evil, so evil... that she died and they wrote on her grave:
"Here she rests,
but... at home...
all of us rest."
-----------------------
"What is the difference between the lovers and the wife?"
"30 kilos"
"What is the difference between the lover and the husband?"
30 minutes
-------------------------
"¿Do you know the punishment for bigamy?"
"Having two mothers-in-law"
---------------------------
"¿What is the difference between a terrorist and a mother-in-law?"
"We can negotiate with the terrorist..."
----------------------------
The Titanic sinks. The captain tells the foreman:
"Come on, take that pick, break the window and left in a lifeboat."
"But, captain, there are still some women on board."
"For sure... now I'm as well as to fuck...!!!"
----------------------------
"How long ago do you have the obsession about beeing a dog?"
It must be I was a puppy-dog ago now."
-----------------------------
"Doctor, I have a trouble with my tits."
"With her tits, Mrs?"
"Yes, touch them a little, do you notice how they become tough?"
"I see, I see".
Do you think it's a serious problem?"
"I don't know if it's serious but, contagious, for sure!"
-------------------------------
A man is doing shopping when, suddenly, discovers a new brand of olimpic condoms.
Extremely impressed, he buys a box of them.
When he arrives at home, announces her wife about his new acquisition.
"Olympic condoms?, she says. And why are they special?"
"They are of three colours", he answers, "gold, silver and bronze".
"And... what colour are you going to use tonight?"
"The gold one, of course!", the husband answers very proud.
"And... why don't you use the silver one? It would be better that you sometime finish in second place, don't you think?"
---------------------------------------
Jealous woman
Once upon a time a man peacefully sat down reading his newspaper. Suddenly, his furious woman appears and brakes a frying pan against his head.
¡¡¡CRASHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
-"For God's sake! Damn it to hell! What happens?"
- "It's for the small paper that I found into the pocket of your trousers with the name of "Maryló" and her number!"
- "My dear... Do you remember the day in which I went to the horse race?"
- " Well... I do"
- "I bet for Maryló and the number is what I paid for the bet. So, you don't have to worry about it."
Then, his wife left satisfied and apologizing...
Some days later, the husband was again sat down, when...
¡¡¡CRASHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
His wife crashed against his head, this time, an express pot. Her husband more frigthened than silly for the hit, asks her:
- "Shit! What happened now?"
- "¡¡¡¡¡¡¡Your horse called!!!!!
When I was working as a flight attendant
It happened to me when I was workingt at an airline company as a flight attendant twenty years ago.
The journey was from Madrid to New York.
A passenger sat down in a wrong place.So I had to suggest her that she should change to another seat located in the cheaper part of the plane according to her boarding pass; however, this woman didn't obey me at all. She decided to continue in the same place despite my suggestion. She was an illiterate woman and she didn't understand that there were different types of seats in the same plane.
I didn't know what to do about this situation.
The woman said to me he wasn't going to move from this seat to another in any way.
I had to inform the pilot and co-pilot about it.
The copilot tried to persuade her but, it was impossible to resolve this misunderstanding.
Eventually. the pilot had to resolve the complicated situation. He had an illiterate girlfriend, so he knew how to manage in these cases. He approached her and muttered something with a lot of tenderness. Suddenly, he stood up and sat down in the right seat.
The stewardess and the copilot were astonished. They asked the pilot how he had got she sat down in the right seat. Then the pilot said to them:
I said to her that the seat where she had sat down didn't go to New York.
This happens for getting married a young girl
A 70 years old man gets married a 30 years old woman and he asks his friend:
- "How do I look like married this girl?"
- "Well... like the ear of the one cow!"
- "And... how is that?"
- " Away from the sex and near to the horns."
In the gym
One 65 years old man ask his trainer in the gym:
- "What machine must I use to impress a 30 years old girl?"
The trainer looks at him and says:
- "I recommend you the automatic teller".
Virgin after six marriages
A Traffic Civil Police gets married with a woman who had been already married six times before.
The wedding night, in the room of the hotel, the bridegroom says:
-"¡Please, my love, take care of me. I´m still virgin!"
The groom, astonished, asked her how it was possible.
She answered:
-"My first husband was a psychiatrist and he was only interested in talking about the sex".
-"My second husband was a gynaecologist and he was only interested in examining the reproductive system."
- "My third husband was a philatelic and he was only interested in licking."
-"My fourth husband was a finance director and he said he knew that had the best product but he didn´t know how to use it."
-"My fifth husband was a civil servant and he said he knew perfectly how to do it, but he wasn´t sure that it was a job for him."
-"My sixth husband was a technician of computers and he said if the organ worked correctly, it was better not to touch it."
Then, the husband asks her:
-"And... after so failures, how do you decide to get married again?"
The wife answers:
-" Well, because you are a Traffic Civil Police, so I´m completely sure that, at the end, you´re going to fuck me!"
The tie
An Arab was crawling over the sand of the Sahara desert, exhausted, desperate and wet, when made out a movement in the distance.
With the hope of finding a place to drink water, he arrived until the image wich he saw far away.
There, he found a Catalan senior, sat down next to an easel full of ties.
- "I´m dying of thirst. Could you give me a little of water?" - the Arab implored.
The Catalan senior answered:
- "The truth is that I don´t have any water, but... why don´t you buy a tie to me?"
- "Look! This is fit with his tunic.
- "I don´t want a tie! The Arab screamed... Water, fuck, water!"
- " Well, well, don´t buy a tie to me if you don´t want, but... in order to see you that I´m a good person, I will say to you that, behind that hill:
at about 6 kilometers, there is a small oasis with a good restaurant. Run in that direction, they have got all water that you want!"
The Arab thanked it to him and disappeared cut and run toward the hill.
Four hours later, the Arab came back where the Catalan senior was. He went on sat down next to your easel full of ties.
When the Catalan senior saw him, asked him:
- " Do you find the place or you have lost?"
- " I found it perfectly , but your damn brother said to me that no one can came in the restaurant without a tie!"
My God!
Four men and one woman haved a coffee at the Vatican Saint Peter Square and the first man saiys to his friends:
- My son is a Priest and, when he comes in any place, all people call him "Father".
The second man says:
- My son is a Bishop and, when he comes in any place, all people call him "His Grace and Most Reverend".
The third man says:
- My son is a Cardinal and, when he comes in any place, all people bend their head and call him: "Eminence".
The fourth man, very proud, says:
- My son is The Pope. When he comes in any place, all people call him "His Holiness".
As the only woman drinks her coffee in silence, the four men ask her:
- And you?
She answers proudly:
- I have got a daughter,
SHE´S SLIM,
SHE´S TALL,
SHE´S A BREASTS 138 CENTIMETERS,
SHE´S A WAIST 24 ",
SHE A HIP 34"...
And...when she comes in any place, all people say:
" MY GOD!""
The psychiatrist and the waiter
Since I was a child, I was always afraid when I went to bed because I believed someone is under my bed. Tired of this condition, one day I went to talk to a psychiatrist:
- "Every time I go to bed, I´m frightened because I think someone was under my bed. I´m afraid. Do you think I´m becoming crazy? Will I be able to recover?"
- " In twelve months time you will get better" - the psychiatrist said to me. " Come to see me three times per week and I will cure all your fears".
- "And... how much does it cost?" - I asked him.
- "Cheap, 80 euros every visit" - the doctor answered.
- "I seem a little expensive, but ... if I´m cured, it´s worth to try it." - I did.
- "I attended only three times because it represented a lot of money for me."
6 months later, I found the doctor on the street.
- "Hello! - the doctor said to me - Why didn´t you come any more to my surgery?"
- "It was very expensive for me! Fortunatelly, I found a waiter who cured me in a unique visit for 10 euros and with beer and tapa included!" - I answered him.
- "It´s incredible!" - the doctor said a little annoyed. "But... Can I know how he could cure you?"
- "Yes, doctor. He said to me that I cut the legs of my bed. Now, it´s impossible no one is under my bed."
A young student of Law
A young student of Law failed his final examination. Then, he put a question to his strict professor (famous for his legal clever mind):
- Professor, do you understand all about your subject in fact?
- I think so, in another way I wouldn´t be a professor.
- Very well. Then, I would like to formulate you a question. If you get the right answer, I will accept my fail. On the contrary, You will have to give me a distinction.
And... what is your question?
- It´s very simple: what is LEGAL but not LOGICAL, LOGICAL but not LEGAL and not LOGICAL or LEGAL?
The professor thought... and thought... and thought... but didn´t get the right answer. Finally, he gave up and changed the fail for a distinction.
For the rest of the day, the professor continued thinking about the damned question. The following day, he called the more brilliant students and announced he had a difficult question:
- What is LEGAL but not LOGICAL, LOGICAL but not LEGAL and not LOGICAL or LEGAL?
Surprised and ashamed, all students raised their hands. - Well - the professor says giving the answer.
- It´s very easy, professor! Look: you are 60 years old and is married with a woman who is 25 years old: this is LEGAL but not LOGICAL. His wife has a mistress who is 22 years old: this is LOGICAL but not LEGAL. And the mistress of his wife has failed the examination but you have just given a distinction that isn´t LOGICAL or LEGAL.
Pain of testicles
This is a salesclerk...
Juan didn't have any problem and was happy. One day he started to suffer from headaches; at the begining they were light but, after a time, they were stronger and stronger until to be unbearable.
His job and his life began to be affected by this problem and then Juan decided to visit to the doctor.
The specialist examined him, did some radiographs, a sample of blood, of faeces, of urine and, at least, said to him:
- I have to give you one good news and one bad news.
- The good one is that I can cure your headaches.
- The bad one is that for doing this, I will have to castrate you.
You suffer one rare situation: your testicles press the base of your vertebral column and this causes your headaches. The unique way of mending it is to surgically remove your testicles. Juan got depressed, but your headaches got worse and he decided to be operated.
When he left the hospital, your headache had disappeared absolutely; however, he felt sad and depressed, as though one part of himself lacked (obviously). What I need is a new suit - he said.
So, he came in a shop and took a suit. The salesclerk observed him one moment and said:
- Very well, size 44.
Exactly! How did you know?
- This is my job - the salesclerk answered.
Juan tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly.
While he was observing himself in front of the mirror, the salesclerk said to him:
What about a new shirt?
Juan answered:
- Why not?
- Look, it has to be a sleeve 34 and a neck 16.
- How did you know?
-This is my job - the salesclerk repeated.
Juan tried on the shirt and meanwhile he was seen himself in he mirror, the salesclerk said to him:
- Some new shoes?
- Of course - he said.
The salesclerk had a look at the Juan's feet.
- The 42.
- That's right! How did you know?
- This is my job - the salesclerk answered again.
While Juan was admired your new shoes, the salesclerk asked him:
- What about some new underpants?
Juan, for a moment, thought about the operation that he had just suffered and said:
- Good idea!
- The underpants must be size 36 - the salesclerk said.
Juan laughed:
- No, it's a mistake. I have used a size 34 since I was 18 years old.
The salesclerk denied with his head:
- It's impossible: the underpants were too tight, they pressed your testicles against the base of your vertebral column and you would have all day a horrible headache...!!!!!!!!!! WITHOUT WORDS!!!
- Ramiro, you forgot something again!
- What, Alejandra!
A dignified death
A teacher asks his students how a beautiful death would be for them.
A small student answers that it would be to die like her grand-father.
The teacher asks her how it happened. The student says that he fell asleep.
Then, the teacher asks his students how a horrible death would be for them.
The small student answers that it would be to die like her grand-father's friends.
The intrigued teacher asks her how it happened.
The student answers that they went in the car when her grand-father fell asleep.
The Cry Wall
A journalist heard something about a Jewish old man who had been praying next to the Cry War for many years, every year. So, she went there to ckeck it. Surprisingly, she identified him easily while she was approaching.
She observed him while he was praying.
After 45 minutes, she approached him to interview him, at the moment the old man turned to leave.
Excuse me, Sir. I'm Rebecca Smith, a journalist, would you mind me asking what your name is?
My name is Morris Fishbein, the elderly man, he said.
How long have you come here, Sir? The journalist asked him.
At about 60 years.
60 years! It's amazing! And what is the motive? The woman asked him yet again.
I pray for peace among Christians, Jewishes and Muslims, that all wars finish shortly, that people don't hate each other, that children grow up as responsible adults and love his neighbours.
And, how do you feel after these 60 years?
As if I had been talking to a wall.
"Listen López!"
"Listen López, this is the forth day that you are late this week! What do you think about it?"
"My conclusion is that today is Thursday, my boss"!
"Give me the baby!"
- "My dear, give me the baby!"
- "Wait for a while until he cries".
- "Oh, my God! Why?"
- "Because I don't find him!"
English humour
One of the funniest comedy sketches of all time
The wall of the Lamentations
A reporter of CNN heard something about an old Jewish man who had gone to pray to The Wall of the Lamentations for many years on a daily basis. That's why the journalist went there to check it.
She observed him meanwhile he was praying.
After 45 minutes, when the old man was going to leave, she approached and interviewed him.
"Excuse me sir, I'm Rebecca Smith, a reporter of CNN. Would you mind telling me his name, please?"
"Morris Fishbein", he said.
"How many times have you been coming here, sir?"
"At about 60 years."
"60 years! Its amazing! And why or what do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace among Christians, Jewishes and Muslims, that all the wars finish and that chidren grow up as responsible people loving their neighbours."
"And how do you feel after these 60 years?"
"I feel as I had been talking to a wall."
Confusion
The last day of the course, the pupils gave some presents to their teacher.
The florist's son gave her a bunch of roses and the confectioner's son gave her a beautiful box of chocolates.
The owner's son of the wine cellar approached her with a heavy huge box.
The teacher realised that something dripped from the base of the box. So that, she took a drop of the liquid with her finger and tried it. "Is it wine?, she asked.
"No", the little boy replied.
Next, the teacher tried it again and asked, "Champagne?"
"No", the little boy answered.
"I give up!", the teacher said.
"A small dog!", the boy answered.
A lovely death
A teacher asks his pupils, "How would a lovely death be for you?"
A little student answers from the bottom of the class, "It would be like my grand-father died."
"¿Would you mind me asking how your grand-father died, please?"
She replied, " He fell asleep."
Then, the teacher asks his pupils, " And how would a terrible death be for you?"
The little student answers again, " It would be like the friends of my grand-father died."
"And, How did they die?"
She replied, " They went on the car of my grand-father when he fell asleep."
At the train station
Three Galician people arrive at the train station when the last train from Madrid to Corunna is leaving. That's why they start to run in order to take it.
The first one can get on with the help of the guard. The second one too; however, the third one can't catch up with them and he leaves alone at the platform.
One person sees the situation and says to the last one, "Well, good average, two out of three Galician people got on."
But, the Galician person, who couldn't get on, clarifies, "Yes, it's true; however, I was who had to travel. They just came to say to me goodbye.
But, the Galician person, who couldn't get on, clarifies, "Yes, it's true; however, I was who had to travel. They just came to say to me goodbye.
A good negociated agreement or the importance of knowing how to argue
A domestic worker asked for a payrise to the lady of the house, but the lady disagreed in this point and ask her why she believed she deserved a payrise.
The domestic worker said there were three reasons: "The first one is that I iron the clothing much better than you." "Who has said this thing?", replied the lady. "Her husband", said the domestic worker. "Oh,dawn!" "The second reason is that I cook much better than you." "This is totally false, who has said to you such things?" "Her husband too, madam." "My goodness!" "And the most important reason is the third one, I'm much beeter than you in bed." At that moment, the lady started to get very angry and asked her, crying aloud: "Has my husband said to you this point?" "No, madam, the gardener is who has said to me this." AS THE RESULT, the domestic worker got a pay rise. |
Clever pupils
Teacher: What must I do in order to deliver 11 potatoes among 7 people?
Pupil: Potatoe purée, sir.
Teacher: Joaquín, tell me the present tense of the verb "to walk"!
Pupil: I walk, you walk, he walks.
Teacher: Faster!
Pupil: We run, you run, they run.
Teacher: What is the tense of the verb "it rained"?
Pupil: It's a very bad weather, teacher.
Teacher: How many hearts we have?
Pupil: two ones, sir.
Teacher: Two?
Pupil: For sure, sir! Mine and yours.
Two students are late at school. The first one explains that he has woken up late. He sais he went to The Polinesia and the travel lasted so much.
The second one sais he went to the airport to wait for him.
Teacher: Paco, tell us 5 things which contains milk!
Pupil: Yes, sir. A piece of cheese and 4 cows.
Teacher: María, point on the map where North America is!
Pupil: Here is it, teacher!
Teacher: OK! Now, the rest of you answer! Who discovered Amercia?
The rest of the pupils: María!
Teacher: What is a fraud?
Pupil: It's what you are doing now.
The angry teacher ask him: How is it?
Pupil: According to the penal code, all people who take advantage of the ignorance of the others in order to damage him/her, commits fraude.
Teacher: Juanito, say to me sincerely, Do you pray before eating?
Juanito: No, madam, I don't need it, my mother is a great cook!
Teacher: Arturo, your writing about your dog is identical to the writing of your brother. Have you copied it?
Arturo: No, teacher, the fact is that the dog is the same.
Teacher: Carlitos, how is the person who continues talking although the rest of the people aren't interested called?
Carlitos: Teacher
A genie inside a bottle
A couple were playing golf on a distinguished field surrounded by awesome mansions. When the husband hit the ball three times said to his wife "My dear, take care when you hit the ball. You could break some of the windows of those houses. It would cost a fortune to repair them."
Unfortunately, she hit strongly the ball and broke one of those windows.
He reproached her "I said to you that you took care of it. And now, what can we do?" Let's go to apologize and let's see how much the repair costs."
They knock the door and they listen to "You can come in, the door isn't locked."
They open the door, see that tthe floor is covered with glass, a broken bottle near the table and an elegant man sits down on a confortable amchair, who ask them " Did you break the window?" "Yes, we did", the husband answers shyly. "We are very sorry. We wanted to pay for the caused damage."
The genie says "At all, I'm who must thank to you. I'm a genie who was inprisonment inside that bottle for thousands of years, You realised me. So that, I'm going to concede you two desires but the third one will be for myself."
"Wow, it's fantastic!", the husband saiys. "I would like a million of euros for the rest of my life."
"Any problem! It's the least that I could do for you."
"I want a house in every country of the world!", she adds.
"You desire is realised" , the genie says.
"And what is your desire, Genie?", the husband asks very interested.
Seconds later, Genie says " Since I was trapped inside that bottle thousands of years ago, I didn't take the opportunity of doing sex. Mi desire is to do sex with your wife because I always dreamt about to do it with the first wife I saw.
"Well, my dear, we earn a lot of money and houses. I don't know what you think but it's for once. I believe he isn't asking so much!"
The woman accepts enthusiastically. She thought "The guy is very attractive."
The genie hands her to a bedroom. Three hours spent together.
Finally, the genie looks at her and asks her "Tell me, I have a curiosity, how many years is your husband?". "Thirty and five years old", she answers.
The genie replies "I can't believe that he still believes in genies."
Moral:
" Dogs open its eyes when they are 15 days; however, stupids will never do that."
Brief jokes
Last night, a burglar broke into my house. He looked for money. I got up and we both started to search.
----------------
"Antonia, next Sunday we'll celebrate that we have been married for 40 years. That why I'm going to kill a chicken."
"But the chicken isn't guilty! Kill your cousin. He was the guilty that we met."
-------------------
This is a woman in a car desperate. "I don't understand, there are three pedals but, surprisingly, I only have two feet!"
-------------------
I LOOK FOR A MAN
with a good spelling
for having an intense textual connection.
---------------------
"Take, my son, my grand-mother gave it to my mother, my mother gave it to me and now I take it to you!"
"What is it, mom?"
"A slap in time"
----------------
"CLAUSTROPHOBIA" is the fear to closed spaces. For example, when I go to the bar, I'm afraid that it's closed.
----------------
My wife insists I use the toilet brush but, the truth is that I'm going to use the toilet paper again. I have the bottom full of scratches.
-------------------------
Popular brief jokes
"What thing has got 2 eyes and 100 teeth?"
"A crocodile"
"And 2 teeth and 100 eyes?"
"An INSERSO bus" ( for elder people in Spain)"
------------------------
She was a mother-in-law so evil, so evil, so evil... that she died and they wrote on her grave:
"Here she rests,
but... at home...
all of us rest."
-----------------------
"What is the difference between the lovers and the wife?"
"30 kilos"
"What is the difference between the lover and the husband?"
30 minutes
-------------------------
"¿Do you know the punishment for bigamy?"
"Having two mothers-in-law"
---------------------------
"¿What is the difference between a terrorist and a mother-in-law?"
"We can negotiate with the terrorist..."
----------------------------
The Titanic sinks. The captain tells the foreman:
"Come on, take that pick, break the window and left in a lifeboat."
"But, captain, there are still some women on board."
"For sure... now I'm as well as to fuck...!!!"
----------------------------
"How long ago do you have the obsession about beeing a dog?"
It must be I was a puppy-dog ago now."
-----------------------------
"Doctor, I have a trouble with my tits."
"With her tits, Mrs?"
"Yes, touch them a little, do you notice how they become tough?"
"I see, I see".
Do you think it's a serious problem?"
"I don't know if it's serious but, contagious, for sure!"
-------------------------------
A man is doing shopping when, suddenly, discovers a new brand of olimpic condoms.
Extremely impressed, he buys a box of them.
When he arrives at home, announces her wife about his new acquisition.
"Olympic condoms?, she says. And why are they special?"
"They are of three colours", he answers, "gold, silver and bronze".
"And... what colour are you going to use tonight?"
"The gold one, of course!", the husband answers very proud.
"And... why don't you use the silver one? It would be better that you sometime finish in second place, don't you think?"
---------------------------------------
Jealous woman
Once upon a time a man peacefully sat down reading his newspaper. Suddenly, his furious woman appears and brakes a frying pan against his head.
¡¡¡CRASHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
-"For God's sake! Damn it to hell! What happens?"
- "It's for the small paper that I found into the pocket of your trousers with the name of "Maryló" and her number!"
- "My dear... Do you remember the day in which I went to the horse race?"
- " Well... I do"
- " Well... I do"
- "I bet for Maryló and the number is what I paid for the bet. So, you don't have to worry about it."
Then, his wife left satisfied and apologizing...
Some days later, the husband was again sat down, when...
¡¡¡CRASHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
His wife crashed against his head, this time, an express pot. Her husband more frigthened than silly for the hit, asks her:
- "Shit! What happened now?"
- "¡¡¡¡¡¡¡Your horse called!!!!!
When I was working as a flight attendant
It happened to me when I was workingt at an airline company as a flight attendant twenty years ago.
The journey was from Madrid to New York.
A passenger sat down in a wrong place.So I had to suggest her that she should change to another seat located in the cheaper part of the plane according to her boarding pass; however, this woman didn't obey me at all. She decided to continue in the same place despite my suggestion. She was an illiterate woman and she didn't understand that there were different types of seats in the same plane.
I didn't know what to do about this situation.
The woman said to me he wasn't going to move from this seat to another in any way.
I had to inform the pilot and co-pilot about it.
The copilot tried to persuade her but, it was impossible to resolve this misunderstanding.
Eventually. the pilot had to resolve the complicated situation. He had an illiterate girlfriend, so he knew how to manage in these cases. He approached her and muttered something with a lot of tenderness. Suddenly, he stood up and sat down in the right seat.
The stewardess and the copilot were astonished. They asked the pilot how he had got she sat down in the right seat. Then the pilot said to them:
I said to her that the seat where she had sat down didn't go to New York.
This happens for getting married a young girl
A 70 years old man gets married a 30 years old woman and he asks his friend:
- "How do I look like married this girl?"
- "Well... like the ear of the one cow!"
- "And... how is that?"
- " Away from the sex and near to the horns."
In the gym
One 65 years old man ask his trainer in the gym:
- "What machine must I use to impress a 30 years old girl?"
The trainer looks at him and says:
- "I recommend you the automatic teller".
- "What machine must I use to impress a 30 years old girl?"
The trainer looks at him and says:
- "I recommend you the automatic teller".
Virgin after six marriages
A Traffic Civil Police gets married with a woman who had been already married six times before.
The wedding night, in the room of the hotel, the bridegroom says:
-"¡Please, my love, take care of me. I´m still virgin!"
The groom, astonished, asked her how it was possible.
She answered:
-"My first husband was a psychiatrist and he was only interested in talking about the sex".
-"My second husband was a gynaecologist and he was only interested in examining the reproductive system."
- "My third husband was a philatelic and he was only interested in licking."
-"My fourth husband was a finance director and he said he knew that had the best product but he didn´t know how to use it."
-"My fifth husband was a civil servant and he said he knew perfectly how to do it, but he wasn´t sure that it was a job for him."
-"My sixth husband was a technician of computers and he said if the organ worked correctly, it was better not to touch it."
Then, the husband asks her:
-"And... after so failures, how do you decide to get married again?"
The wife answers:
-" Well, because you are a Traffic Civil Police, so I´m completely sure that, at the end, you´re going to fuck me!"
The tie
An Arab was crawling over the sand of the Sahara desert, exhausted, desperate and wet, when made out a movement in the distance.
With the hope of finding a place to drink water, he arrived until the image wich he saw far away.
There, he found a Catalan senior, sat down next to an easel full of ties.
- "I´m dying of thirst. Could you give me a little of water?" - the Arab implored.
The Catalan senior answered:
- "The truth is that I don´t have any water, but... why don´t you buy a tie to me?"
- "Look! This is fit with his tunic.
- "I don´t want a tie! The Arab screamed... Water, fuck, water!"
- " Well, well, don´t buy a tie to me if you don´t want, but... in order to see you that I´m a good person, I will say to you that, behind that hill:
at about 6 kilometers, there is a small oasis with a good restaurant. Run in that direction, they have got all water that you want!"
The Arab thanked it to him and disappeared cut and run toward the hill.
Four hours later, the Arab came back where the Catalan senior was. He went on sat down next to your easel full of ties.
When the Catalan senior saw him, asked him:
- " Do you find the place or you have lost?"
- " I found it perfectly , but your damn brother said to me that no one can came in the restaurant without a tie!"
My God!
Four men and one woman haved a coffee at the Vatican Saint Peter Square and the first man saiys to his friends:
- My son is a Priest and, when he comes in any place, all people call him "Father".
The second man says:
- My son is a Bishop and, when he comes in any place, all people call him "His Grace and Most Reverend".
The third man says:
- My son is a Cardinal and, when he comes in any place, all people bend their head and call him: "Eminence".
The fourth man, very proud, says:
- My son is The Pope. When he comes in any place, all people call him "His Holiness".
As the only woman drinks her coffee in silence, the four men ask her:
- And you?
She answers proudly:
- I have got a daughter,
SHE´S SLIM,
SHE´S TALL,
SHE´S A BREASTS 138 CENTIMETERS,
SHE´S A WAIST 24 ",
SHE A HIP 34"...
And...when she comes in any place, all people say:
" MY GOD!""
The psychiatrist and the waiter
Since I was a child, I was always afraid when I went to bed because I believed someone is under my bed. Tired of this condition, one day I went to talk to a psychiatrist:
- "Every time I go to bed, I´m frightened because I think someone was under my bed. I´m afraid. Do you think I´m becoming crazy? Will I be able to recover?"
- " In twelve months time you will get better" - the psychiatrist said to me. " Come to see me three times per week and I will cure all your fears".
- "And... how much does it cost?" - I asked him.
- "Cheap, 80 euros every visit" - the doctor answered.
- "I seem a little expensive, but ... if I´m cured, it´s worth to try it." - I did.
- "I attended only three times because it represented a lot of money for me."
6 months later, I found the doctor on the street.
- "Hello! - the doctor said to me - Why didn´t you come any more to my surgery?"
- "It was very expensive for me! Fortunatelly, I found a waiter who cured me in a unique visit for 10 euros and with beer and tapa included!" - I answered him.
- "It´s incredible!" - the doctor said a little annoyed. "But... Can I know how he could cure you?"
- "Yes, doctor. He said to me that I cut the legs of my bed. Now, it´s impossible no one is under my bed."
A young student of Law
A young student of Law failed his final examination. Then, he put a question to his strict professor (famous for his legal clever mind):
- Professor, do you understand all about your subject in fact?
- I think so, in another way I wouldn´t be a professor.
- Very well. Then, I would like to formulate you a question. If you get the right answer, I will accept my fail. On the contrary, You will have to give me a distinction.
And... what is your question?
- It´s very simple: what is LEGAL but not LOGICAL, LOGICAL but not LEGAL and not LOGICAL or LEGAL?
The professor thought... and thought... and thought... but didn´t get the right answer. Finally, he gave up and changed the fail for a distinction.
For the rest of the day, the professor continued thinking about the damned question. The following day, he called the more brilliant students and announced he had a difficult question:
- What is LEGAL but not LOGICAL, LOGICAL but not LEGAL and not LOGICAL or LEGAL?
Surprised and ashamed, all students raised their hands. - Well - the professor says giving the answer.
- It´s very easy, professor! Look: you are 60 years old and is married with a woman who is 25 years old: this is LEGAL but not LOGICAL. His wife has a mistress who is 22 years old: this is LOGICAL but not LEGAL. And the mistress of his wife has failed the examination but you have just given a distinction that isn´t LOGICAL or LEGAL.
Pain of testicles
This is a salesclerk...
Juan didn't have any problem and was happy. One day he started to suffer from headaches; at the begining they were light but, after a time, they were stronger and stronger until to be unbearable.
The specialist examined him, did some radiographs, a sample of blood, of faeces, of urine and, at least, said to him:
- I have to give you one good news and one bad news.
- The good one is that I can cure your headaches.
- The bad one is that for doing this, I will have to castrate you.
You suffer one rare situation: your testicles press the base of your vertebral column and this causes your headaches. The unique way of mending it is to surgically remove your testicles. Juan got depressed, but your headaches got worse and he decided to be operated.
When he left the hospital, your headache had disappeared absolutely; however, he felt sad and depressed, as though one part of himself lacked (obviously). What I need is a new suit - he said.
So, he came in a shop and took a suit. The salesclerk observed him one moment and said:
- Very well, size 44.
Exactly! How did you know?
- This is my job - the salesclerk answered.
Juan tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly.
While he was observing himself in front of the mirror, the salesclerk said to him:
What about a new shirt?
Juan answered:
- Why not?
- Look, it has to be a sleeve 34 and a neck 16.
- How did you know?
-This is my job - the salesclerk repeated.
Juan tried on the shirt and meanwhile he was seen himself in he mirror, the salesclerk said to him:
- Some new shoes?
- Of course - he said.
The salesclerk had a look at the Juan's feet.
- The 42.
- That's right! How did you know?
- This is my job - the salesclerk answered again.
While Juan was admired your new shoes, the salesclerk asked him:
- What about some new underpants?
Juan, for a moment, thought about the operation that he had just suffered and said:
- Good idea!
- The underpants must be size 36 - the salesclerk said.
Juan laughed:
- No, it's a mistake. I have used a size 34 since I was 18 years old.
The salesclerk denied with his head:
- It's impossible: the underpants were too tight, they pressed your testicles against the base of your vertebral column and you would have all day a horrible headache...!!!!!!!!!! WITHOUT WORDS!!!
|
Mental healthy
Albert and Alice are patients in a mental hospital.
One day, while they were walking near the hospital swimming pool, Albert, suddenly, jumped into the swimming pool and fell down until the bottom, where he kept unmoving.
Alice, suddenly, came into to save him, swam until the bottom and took off him.
When the hospital director knew about this heroic act of Alice, ordered to discharge her; he considered she was now mentally stable.
The director said to Alice:
- "I have got two news for you... one is good and the other one is bad."
-"The good news is that we already discharged you; when you entered into the swimming pool and saved the life of another patient, demonstrated to be able to solve reasonably a crisis situation, so I concluded you are mentally healthy and can leave the hospital.
-"The bad news is that Albert, the patient who you saved his life, hung himself in the bath with the belt of your dressing gown... immediately after you saved his life... Alice, I´m very very sorry! Albert is dead."
Alice, astonished, answers the director:
-"He didn´t hang himself... I did it in order to he dried."
A complaint against a hotel
The husband calls, desperate and annoyed, the reception of the hotel:
-"Please, come fast because I´m banding words with my wife and she says she´s going to jump through the window".
Someone answers from the reception:
-"Sir, this is a private issue".
And the husband answers him:
- "Really, but... the window can´t open itself and this is already a problem because of the maintenance of the hotel."
- "Really, but... the window can´t open itself and this is already a problem because of the maintenance of the hotel."
The full to the brim of the meanness
One family was gathered in front of the father´s coffin recently deceased.
The minor son says:
- Now, we have to do the last father´s desire: being buried with a million of pesetas into his coffin.
- Now, we have to do the last father´s desire: being buried with a million of pesetas into his coffin.
The middle one adds:
-Yes, well... but, really we only will put 750.000 pesetas, because we have to discount the IRPF:25%
-Yes, well... but, really we only will put 750.000 pesetas, because we have to discount the IRPF:25%
The eldest son annotates:
- We also will have to deduct the IVA:16%
The widow mediates in the conversation with determination:
- It´s enough!
Your father doesn´t deserve these bargainings. We will bury him with the credit card... and that he spends the money that wants.
- We also will have to deduct the IVA:16%
The widow mediates in the conversation with determination:
- It´s enough!
Your father doesn´t deserve these bargainings. We will bury him with the credit card... and that he spends the money that wants.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
One old man is dying on his bed and calls his son. Then, he takes out a gold watch and says to him:
- This watch was bought by your great-great-grandfather. Do you like it?
- Well, my father. It isn´t the moment, but... I like it. Buy it to me!
- This watch was bought by your great-great-grandfather. Do you like it?
- Well, my father. It isn´t the moment, but... I like it. Buy it to me!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Another man is dying on his bed and whispers:
- Montse, Montserrat... where are you, my dear wife?
- I´m here, my dear husband... next to you.
- And my son Josep... where is he?
- I´m here, my dear father... next to you.
- And my daughter Mercè... where is she?
- I´m here, my dear father... next to you.
- And my son Jaume... where is he?
- I´m here, my dear father... next to you.
-And... then...
- Damn it! Then... Why does the kitchen light is turned on?
- Montse, Montserrat... where are you, my dear wife?
- I´m here, my dear husband... next to you.
- And my son Josep... where is he?
- I´m here, my dear father... next to you.
- And my daughter Mercè... where is she?
- I´m here, my dear father... next to you.
- And my son Jaume... where is he?
- I´m here, my dear father... next to you.
-And... then...
- Damn it! Then... Why does the kitchen light is turned on?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A poor employee approaches to the boss´s office and says to him:
- Apologize me, sir manager, but... six months ago I don´t earn any money...
-You are apologized , García.
- Apologize me, sir manager, but... six months ago I don´t earn any money...
-You are apologized , García.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A father says to his son:
- Look, my son, go to look for a hammer to the Peter´s house.
- Look, my son, go to look for a hammer to the Peter´s house.
He arrives there and says to him:
-Peter! My father asks if you can lend me the hammer.
-Peter! My father asks if you can lend me the hammer.
The son comes back and says to his father:
-Dad, dad, Peter says he doesn´t want to lend us the hammer because it wears out.
-Dad, dad, Peter says he doesn´t want to lend us the hammer because it wears out.
- Damn Peter! - the father says. Well, so... go to look for the our one.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
What does a mean do if he finds one sticking-plaster...?
He cuts himself to take advantage of its.
He cuts himself to take advantage of its.
Varied jokes
-"There would have been better if I had married with the Devil."
-"You wouldn´t have been able , the wedding between relatives is forbidden."
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
-"Doctor... I don´t raise my head, I laugh myself, I don´t speak to people, they speak to me but I don´t pay attention... I look like an idiot all time... What do I have?"
-"A Blackberry?"
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-. -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
My wife asked me 500 euros to fix her dentition.
I say to her:
-" Take 100, make bigger your breast. So... anyone is going to look at your teeth."
My wife asked me 500 euros to fix her dentition.
I say to her:
-" Take 100, make bigger your breast. So... anyone is going to look at your teeth."
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
A ten years girl said:
-"If my mother laughs and celebrates the my father´s jokes, it means that there are some guests in my home."
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
One of the advantages of the mature-aged is to be able to sing meanwhile you brush your teeth.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
Why do the married women are fatter than the single women?
Because the single woman arrives at her home, looks at what there are in the fridge and goes to bed.
However, the married woman arrives at her home, looks at what there is on her bed an goes to the fridge.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
After a horrible earthquake, José asks Manolo:
-" Manolo, did your house suffer so much?"
-" No, my friend!!! Luckily, it fell down all at once."
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
2 old people talk:-"What do you prefer: sex or Christmas?"
-" Sex, of course! There is Christmas all years...
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
A 65 years man asks trainer in the gym:
-"Which machine must I use to make an impression on a 30 years girl?"
The trainer looks at him and says...
-Hmm... I recommend you the automatic teller...
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
-"Look Pepe, I invite you to a party of 21 years."
-"O.K. but... I come back when 3 months spend...
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
The wife, after parking her car, asks her husbad:
-"My dear, is my car very separated from the pavement?"
Her husbad answers:
-"Of which of the two?"
About the ageing
Two mature men talk about the ageing and one of them says to the other one:
-" The worst part is for our wives, besides they don´t accept that they age and always try to hide their ailments."
-" You´re right, but I have found a good trick in order to they realise their disabilities throughout a simple game. So, if you want to know whether your wife starts to go deaf, put yoursellf to 10 metres from her and ask her one question. Then, when you see that she doesn´t answer you, approach to her 5 metres. Next, to 2 metres and then, to 1 metre. And... in this moment, she will have to recognise that she´s keeping deaf."
The other man thinks it´s a good idea and when he comes back to his home, he puts to 10 metres from her and asks her with a loud voice:
- "My dear, what is there for dinner?"
He doesn´t receive any answer.
Then, he puts to 5 metres from her and asks her again:
- "My dear, what is there for dinner?"
He doesn´t receive any answer either, so he decides to approach to 2 metres from her and asks her again:
-"My dear, what is there for dinner?"
He goes on without receiving any answer.
The guy, funny for the functioning of his friend´ trick, approaches almost 1 metre and shouts:
-" My dear, what is there for dinner?"
His wife turns and says to him, close to breaking point:
-"I´m going to say it for fourth time, idiot: soup and croquettes!!!
Christian feelings
A hermit meets suddenly a lion.
Don´t knowing what to do, he kneels down and starts to pray:
-" My God, inspire some Christian feelings in this lion!".
Then, the man sees the lion rising its head, cross its legs and the lion murmurs:
-"My God, bless the food that I´m going to eat."
Take this orange and share it with your sister!
-" Juanito, take this orange and share it with your sister in a Christian way!" - his mather says.
-"And... how can it be shared in a Christian way?" -the boy asks.
-" Giving the bigger part to the other person."
-" Ah..! Then, that she shares it."
Borges
-"And... how can it be shared in a Christian way?" -the boy asks.
-" Giving the bigger part to the other person."
-" Ah..! Then, that she shares it."
If you don´´t have any sisters...
This story happens in a small village, full of the typical rustic people who, in this moment, are at the square, seeing to fly flies and other insects.
Suddenly, a wonderful Rolls-Royce with a driver appears.
The car stops in the middle of the square; Claudia Schiffer gets off the car and points a finger at one of them, saying:
-"You, come with me!"
Then man look at the sides, scared, meanwhile his friends encourage him:
-"Let´s go Cipriano. It´s to you! What a good luck you have!"
Cipriano approaches to the car, Schiffer says to him that he gets in and, at the moment, the car starts and leaves to the village full pelt.
Around about half an hour, The Rolls comes back with the Cirpiano inside alone. When he gets off , his friends asks him:
-"Cipriano, guy, what has happened?
-"Nothing, we have gone to the threshing floor, we have got off to the car...!"
-...she has taken off her clothes, has put them on the floor and has said to me that I took what I wanted!"
-"So, I have brought the car!"
-"You have done very well. What do you want the clothes for if you don´t have any sisters?"
The woman who saved the life of 1.600 people
Holiday by cruise
Mi diary... Day 1
I have taken my best dresses. I´m very excited!
We have spent the whole day on the beach. It was pretty. I saw some dolphins and whales.
My holiday start very well!!
Today I found the Captain and he seems an interesting man.
I have spent the whole day in the swimming pool, doing surf and giving golf balls.
He´s an attractive and attentive man.
My diary... Day 4
I have been at the casino of the boat and I won 110 euros.
The Captain invited me to dinner with him in his ship´s cabin. We had a luxurious and spectacular dinner with foiegras, oysters, caviar and cava. He asked me if I could stay with him but I declined his invitation. I answered him I didn´t want to be unfaithful to my husband.
My diary... Day 5
I have come back to the swimming pool and I have burnt my skin a little. I have gone to the piano bar to spend there the rest of the day.
He asked me again if I wanted to spend the night with him and I have answered again I couldn´t.
I was terrorized.
My diary... Day 6
Today I have saved 1.600 people... four times!!!
I´m so glad...!!!
Macaroni
Someone has sent me this joke so short, simple and funny ... that I had to share with you.
-" What happens? You are very serious"
-" Look, I have sent my husband to buy some potatoes in order to prepare the food but he was knocked down by a car and he has just died."
-" And now... what are you going to do?
-"In this case, I don´t know... macaroni."
-" And now... what are you going to do?
-"In this case, I don´t know... macaroni."
One son at the University
One boy, who was studying at the University in the United States, realises, at the middle of the semester, that he had spent almost all money which his parents had done him. Then, one brilliant idea occurs to him and he calls to his father.
- "Dad, you aren´t going to think the modern wonders of the education in this place. Here, in my University, the teachers have got one programme to teach to speak to dogs."
-"And... what can I do in order to they accept Pluto (the dog of the house)?"- his father replies. -" You only have to send it to me with 1,000 euros and I entrust with registering it" - the boy says. So, the naive father sends the dog with 1.000 euros. At the 2/3 of the semester, more or less, the boy doesn´t have any money. Then he decides to call his father again. -" Well, and... is Pluto making any progress?"- the father asks him. - " It´s incredible, dad! Pluto talk and talk without stopping, but... now, there is another course more advanced in order to teach the dogs to read." - " You don´t say! and... what can I do to enroll Pluto in that course?" -" You only have to send me 2.500 euros and I entrust." So, the naive father sends the money. At the end of the course, the boy realises the dog doesn´t speak or read... so, the boy shoots at the dog. The boy arrives at his home at the end of the semester where his father is waiting them very happy. -" Where is Pluto? I´m looking forward to seeing it, let´s see how it speaks and reads. I have already ready one animals´ magazine to check if it´s able to read it." - " Dad, you won´t believe it! I had all things ready to the trip, when I see the dog lying down on the sofa, reading the New York Times, as all mornings. Suddenly, the dog says to me: - "Well... and does your father go on fucking with the redhead woman who lives in front of your house?" And the father answers: - " I hope you will have shot at that damn dog, before it related it to your mother!" - " Of course! This one was exactly what I did!" - "Well done!"- replied the father. The boy graduated and became a successful politician! |
Audio Jokes in English
The spectacles
A friend of mine went to Madrid for business. Knowing that his girlfriend needed some spectacles for her sight and, finding the occasion to buy her some ones very beautiful and expensive, he came in an optician's shop.
After seeing several ones, he decided to buy one of them...
The shop assistant wrapped them. He paid for them, but... when he was going to leave, instead of taking the package with the spectacles, took another similar package which was next to him.
The package contained some knickers which one optician's shop's customer had just bought in a haberdashery.
My friend, who didn't realise of his error, went directly to the Post office and sent the package to his girlfriend, with one letter.
When his girlfriend received it, she was astonished with the contents, so she opened the letter and read:
Dear Marta,
I hope you like this gift, above all because you needed them, considering that since a long time you carry the same ones and these are things that must be changed from time to time.
I hope to get right with the model.
The clerk said me these ones were in fashion, even she showed me the yours and they were equal. I myself, to check if they were light, caught them and tried on me there in that moment.
Yo don't know how the salesperson laughed herself, because these female models on the men suits very funny and more on me (you know that I have got some prominent traits.)
A girl, who was there, helped me also to choose. She asked them to me, took off the hers and put on them to her in order to I was able to check the effect.
They fit better on the clerk than on the girl, because her hair covered them a little , but, anyway, it seemed to me that they suited very well.
Finally, I chose these ones and bought them. Put on you and show them to your parents, brothers and... to all people, let's see if they like them.
At the begining, you will feel like a strange person... being used to wear the old ones and, lately not to wear any ones... but, above all, look they don´t fit you too small, if not, they are going to mark when you take off them.
And... take care also they don´t fit you too big because they can drop when you´re walking.
The clerk has advised me you clean them very often in order to they are useful and seem more beautiful.
Equally, she recommended me you take care with the touch because they can finish ruined themselves. Wear them with a lot of care and, above all, don´t leave them in any place because you can lose them. You have the habit of taking off them in wathever place.
Anyway, what am I going to tell more for? I wishing to see them put on you. I think this is the better gift which I have done to you.
A kiss... from you Paco!
The shop assistant wrapped them. He paid for them, but... when he was going to leave, instead of taking the package with the spectacles, took another similar package which was next to him.
The package contained some knickers which one optician's shop's customer had just bought in a haberdashery.
My friend, who didn't realise of his error, went directly to the Post office and sent the package to his girlfriend, with one letter.
When his girlfriend received it, she was astonished with the contents, so she opened the letter and read:
Dear Marta,
I hope you like this gift, above all because you needed them, considering that since a long time you carry the same ones and these are things that must be changed from time to time.
I hope to get right with the model.
The clerk said me these ones were in fashion, even she showed me the yours and they were equal. I myself, to check if they were light, caught them and tried on me there in that moment.
Yo don't know how the salesperson laughed herself, because these female models on the men suits very funny and more on me (you know that I have got some prominent traits.)
A girl, who was there, helped me also to choose. She asked them to me, took off the hers and put on them to her in order to I was able to check the effect.
They fit better on the clerk than on the girl, because her hair covered them a little , but, anyway, it seemed to me that they suited very well.
Finally, I chose these ones and bought them. Put on you and show them to your parents, brothers and... to all people, let's see if they like them.
At the begining, you will feel like a strange person... being used to wear the old ones and, lately not to wear any ones... but, above all, look they don´t fit you too small, if not, they are going to mark when you take off them.
And... take care also they don´t fit you too big because they can drop when you´re walking.
The clerk has advised me you clean them very often in order to they are useful and seem more beautiful.
Equally, she recommended me you take care with the touch because they can finish ruined themselves. Wear them with a lot of care and, above all, don´t leave them in any place because you can lose them. You have the habit of taking off them in wathever place.
Anyway, what am I going to tell more for? I wishing to see them put on you. I think this is the better gift which I have done to you.
A kiss... from you Paco!
And the man of the snorings?
A guy arrives at one hotel and asks one bedroom. The manager says to him he only has got one bed in a shared bedroom which no one wants because the other guest snores very strong.
The guy answers that there isn´t any problem and decides to share the bedroom.
Next day, the manager asks him if he slept well:
- "Perfectly" - he answers. "Thank you very much!"
- "And the other guest with his snorings?"
- "Look, from the moment when I came in the bedroom, I gave him a kiss on his cheek and one small slap on his buttocks, and... he has spent all night without being able to sleep and with his buttocks against the wall!"
Moral: There aren´t any big problems, but... big solutions!
The milkman´s heritage
A milkman (who is dying in the hospital) gets together with his two children, his daugther and his wife and... surrounded by all and his nurse, delivers his inheritance.
He says to his oldest son:
- "Peter, I leave you the houses of the North."
- "My little daughter, I leave you all apartments of the zone South."
-"Carlitos, my younger son, you have got a great future, I leave you the offices of the Centre".
- "And for you, my dear wife, I leave you The Cumbres building in the West of the city."
The nurse, impressed, says to the wife:
- "Mrs, her husband is very rich; you are going to inherit a lot of propertys!
And the wife, quickly, answers her:
-"What the hell! He isn´t rich! These ones are the routes where he delivers milk."
An old man had a lake in his farm...
An old man had a lake in his farm.
After a long time, he decides has a look in order to know if all was in order.
He took a basket to take advantage the stroll and to pick some fruits by the way.
When he was near the lake, he heard some animated voices.
He saw a group of completely strip women taking a bath.
When they saw the man , all women rushed to the part deeper of the lake, keeping only their heads outside of water.
One of the women shouted:
-"We won´t go out while you don´t go far away!"
The old man replies:
-"I don´t come until here to see how you swim o how you go out completely strip of the lake!"
He says to them, raising the basket:
-" I´m here in order to feed to the crocodile!"
Moral: Age, experience and trade always will triumph over youth and enthusiasm.
Blood is blood...
Once upon a time a Catalan who worked as a porter in a building. There, an Arab lived in the penthouse.
The Arab had a problem with your kemorrhages.
One day, the Arab is going down by the lift and has a hemorrhagic attack. When he arrives on the ground floor, the porter realises of your problem and then, he takes out him from the lift, phones an ambulance and goes to the hospital with him.
When they arrive at the hospital, the doctor says:
-"I need urgently 0+ blood".
The Catalonian porter had that type of blood and gave it to him.
The following day, the Arab says him:
-"In thanks for saving my life, I will give you a Rolls Royce car".
The Catalan was very happy.
The next year, the story repeats:
The Arab suffers again a hemorrhagic attack, the porter phones an ambulance and accompanies him at the hospital.
The doctor says again that needs urgently 0+ blood and the porter again give it to him.
The next day, the Arab says:
-"In appreciation for saving my life, I will give you this Harley Davison motorbike".
The Catalan asked himself why this time the Arab gave him a cheaper gift. But, in a short time, felt glad.
The following year, the same event happens. However, this time the Arab gave him only a bicycle.
The Catalan, then, decides to ask:
-"How did you give me a Rolls Royce the first year that I saved your life, the second year only a Harley Davison and the third year only a bicycle? I don´t understand".
And the Arab answers:
-"Blood is doing effect...!!!
Spaghettis
A lawyer keeps a romance with his secretary.
After some time, she gets pregnant and the lawyer, who doesn´t want his wife knows it, gives a lot of money to his secretary and asks her that she goes to Italy in order to give birth.
She asks:
-"And how will you know that our baby is borned?"
The lawyer answers:
-" You will send me a postcard where you must write simply "Spaghetti" so that mi wife doesn´t know it. And don´t worry about anything else because I will entrust with all expenses."
Several months spend and one day the lawyer´s wife phones him to the lawyer´s office, a little impetuos:
-" My dear husband, I have just received a postcard very odd from Italy. I don´t understand what it means".
The lawyer, trying to hide his nerves, answers:
-"Wait until I go back home, let me see if I understand something..."
When the man arrives at his house and reads the postcard, he falls down on the floor because of a hear-attack.
Then, the wife takes the postcard and shows it to him saying:
-" I don´t understand, doctor: he only read the postcard. Look at this message: "Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti: three with sausage and meatballs and two with clams."
A couple with a fatal accident
A couple had a fatal accident.
They were sitting in front of the sky door waiting for Saint Peter. They started to ask themselves if to get married in the sky would be possible.
When Saint Peter appeard, they asked it to him.
- Hum... I don´t know - Peter said. It´s the first time that someone asks me one similar question. Give me a little time. I´m going to ask.
The couple sat again.
Two months spent. Then, they started to consider that, if they got a permission to get married there, their marriage would be "everlasting" and... What would happen if their marriage didn´t work? They would be tied "everlasting".
Two months spent again and, finally, Saint Peter appeard enough exhausted.
- Yes - he said- you are allowed to be married in the sky.
- It´s wonderful! - the couple answered-, but precisely we were thinking what would happen if our marriage don´t work. Could we divorce here too?
Saint Peter, turned red with anger, threw the papers (which he brought) on the floor and looked forward the frightened couple:
- I have spent 4 months to find a priest up here. Do you know how long I´m going to need to find a lawyer?
A nice old woman decided to give herself for her birthday the pleasure of spending the night in one of the most expensive hotels in her city.
When the next day she was going to pay, the receptionist gave her one facture of 550 euros!!!
She got anger and demanded to know why the facture was so expensive.
- It´s a good hotel but the rooms, without doubt, don´t cost 550 euros by spent one night and... without breakfast.
The employee said to her that 550 euros was the standard rate, so she insisted on speaking to the director.
The director appeard and... advised by the employee of reception, advertised:
- The hotel has one olympic swimming pool and a great place of lectures which are available for its use..
- But, I didn´t use them - she said.
- Good, they are there and you could use them - the director explained.
Then, he explained she also could have seen one of the famous international shows of the hotel.
- The better international artists come here - the director said.
- But, I didn´t go to any of those shows - she said.
- Good, we have them and you could see them - the director said.
It didn´t matter what the director mentioned. She always said:
- But, I didn´t use it!
The director carried on unperturbed, so that she decided to pay with a cheque and she gave it to him.
The director was surprised when he saw the cheque.
- But, Mrs, this cheque has had done only for 50 euros..
- This is correct. I have deducted it 500 euros for sleeping with me - she answered.
- But, I didn´t do that! - the director exclaimed very surprised.
- Bad luck!!! I was there and you could have done it.
Celestial productivity
Once upon a time in a village, 2 men are called both Joaquín González.
One of the men was a priest and the other one was a taxi driver.
The fate wanted the 2 men died the same day.
They arrive at the sky where God wait them.
- What´s your name?- God asks the first man.
- Joaquín González.
- The priest?
- No, no, the taxi driver.
God consults his booklet and says:
- Good, you have won the Paradise.
This tunic with threads of gold and this stick of platinum with incrustations of rubies belong you. You can come in.
- Thank you, thank you - the taxi driver says.
Then, 2 or 3 people come in. Now, the other Joaquín González is the next.
- What´s your name, please?
- Joaquín González.
- The priest?
- Yes.
- Very well, my son. You have won the Paradise. This nightgown of linen and this stick of oak with incrustations of granite belong you.
The priest says:
- Excuse me. This one must be an error. I´m the priest!
- Yes, my son, you have won the Paradise. The nightgown of linen and this stick of oak with incrustations of granite belong you.
- No, it can´t be! I know the other Joaquín González, he was a taxi driver, he lived in my village, he was a disaster like a taxi driver, went up on the pavements, his taxi crashed all days. One time his taxi crashed against a house, he drove very bad, he threw the lamposts... And... I spent 75 years of my life preaching all Sundays in the church. How can it be? It must be a mistake!
- No, my son, it isn´t any mistake - God says. Here, in the sky, we become accustomed to do evaluations as you do in the earthly life.
- How? I don´t understand.
- Yes... now we work by objectives and results. Look, I´m going to explain your case and you will understand it immediately. During the last 25 years, every time that you preached, people slept, but... every time he drove, people praid.
And... THE OBJECTIVES ARE THE OBJECTIVES!
3 operators clean the windows at the top of a skyscraper. One of them needs to go to the bathroom urgently and decides to go down of his scaffolding.
While he´s in the bathroom, a very strong wind beat against the building and triggered that 2 operators fell at the space, who crashed against the asphalt.
That same night, our friend, very sad, goes to the vigil of his friends with his wife and tries to encourage the widows... but, he doesn´t find enough words of encouragement.
Suddenly, 2 men burst in the room very circumspect, ask after the widows and adress them.
-"Mrs: the foretell insurance for the work-related accident... It consists in a 1.250.000,00 euros cheque for each one of your.
- Take the cheques and our condolences."
The wife of our friend looks at the scene stunned, adresses her husband and says him:
-"¡¡¡Clear... and the young gentleman... SHITTING!!!
------
The Manchegan cat.-
A Manchegan cat arrives at the Port of Barcelona by lorry.
Immediately, the cat sees a mouse and chases it to become it in your dinner... but, the mouse gets to hide into a hole.
The cat, astutely, starts to bark:
-"¡Wau, wuau,wuau!"
When the mouse listens to the barks, it decides to leave because it believes there is a dog attacking the cat.
The mouse leaves and... chas...chas... the cat eats it.
When the cat was sttufed, it exclaimed full of satisfaction:
-"Damn, it´s truth what my family said me in my house:
- In Catalonia, if you aren´t bilingual, you dies because of the hunger!".
Friendship between women.-
One night, a woman didn´t go to sleep to her house.
The next day, she said her husband that she had slept in the house of one friend of her.
The man phoned the 10 better friends of her wife.
No one of them knew nothing about it.
Friendship between men.-
One night, a man didn´t go to sleep to his house.
The following day he said his wife that he had slept in the house of one friend of him.
His wife phoned the 10 better friends of his husband: 8 confirmed that he slept in their house and 2 assured that he even found there.
-----------
The importance of the churros and the coffee.
Two lions escaped from a zoo.
Each lion went to different places. A lion went to the mountain and the other one went to the city centre. All people looked for them and nobody found them.
After one week, the lion, which had escaped to the mountain, came back. It was skinny, starving and it had a temperature. It was redirected to its cage.
Three months later, no one reminded to the lion which had gone to the city centre, until one day the lion was recaptured and took to the zoo. It was very fast, healthy and boundless of health.
When the two lions were together, the lion that escaped to the mountain asked its colleague:
-"How did you were in the city so long and you come back so healthy? I, who went to the mountain, didn´t find anything to eat. So, I decided to give myself up."
The other lion explained its:
-"My experience was very different. I was in Spain" -told me-. "I went to a place where it´s difficult that someone looked for me and I hid in the Ministry. Each day I ate one government employee and no one noticed his/her absence".
-"And... why were you captured? Did the government empoyees finish?"
-"No at all... The government employees never finish. The point is that I made a big mistake. I had already eaten 20 Advisors, 8 Directors, 5 Coordinators, 22 Private Secretaries, 20 Union Members, 15 Heads of Zone and nobody noticed that they had disappeared. But... the day when I ate the Porter, who served churros and coffee... all finished!"
What we are going to do, if we are in Spain!!!
---------------------
Marriage without arguments by life.-
A couple was interviewed in a program of television because they were married since 40 years ago and they had never fought themselves.
The journalist, full of curiosity, asks to the man:
-"But have you never discussed?"
-"Not" - the husband answered.
-"And how is that?"
My wife has been grown up by her father, a man of field, a determined but determinant man... When we married, my wife had a mare that appreciated a lot, it was what she wanted more... She was a woman of field and that mare was her better friend. It was the creature that she spoiled more in the life. The day of our wedding we were of honeymoon in our carriage thrown by the mare. On the road toward our destination the mare tripped. My wife told with a firm voice to the mare:
-" ONE!"
To half of our destination, the mare tripped again. My wife looked at to the mare and said:
-"TWO!"
When we arrive at our destination, the mare tripped again itself. She got off and told him:
-" THREE!"
Inmediately, she drew the gun and hit five shots to the mare.
I, completely absorbed and uncomfortable, reproached her:
-"But you are a lunatic woman! ¿Who in their right mind would kill that poor animal?"
-"You are an unhinged and murderous person!"
My wife looked at me fixedly and told me:
-ONE!"
And... since then..., THERE IS NO PROBLEM AMONG US...!
(ASOCIATION OF HUSBANDS PRESSED BUT HAPPY).
(And RELATED: BRIDES AND GROOMS, DARLINGS, ETC...)
--------
Answering machine of the psychiatric hospital
- "Thank you for calling to the Mental Hospital: the company more healthy for your moments of greater madness."
- " If you are an obsessive-compulsive person, press repeatedly the number 1."
- " If you are a dependent person, ask someone to press the number 2 instead of you."
- "If you have multiple personalities, press the numbers 3, 4, 5 y 6.
- "If you are a paranoid person, we already know who are you, we know what you do and we know what you want, so you must wait on line while we track your call."
- "If you suffer of hallucination, press the number 7 on that giant telephone of colours that you (and only you) see on your right."
- "If you are a mad person, listen to carefully and a little interior voice will indicate him what number to press."
- "If you are a depressive person, it doesn´t matter what number to press. Nothing will get you out of your pitiful situation."
- "If you are indecisive person, leave your message after... listening to the tone... or before the tone... or after the tone... or during the tone... Anyway, wait the tone."
- "If you have a poor self-steem, please, hang up! All our operators are answering to people more important than you."
A teaspoon, a cup or a bin?
For a visit to a Pshychiatric School, I asked head teacher what criterion was used to define if a patient should or not should be hospitalized.
-"Well" - the head teacher said- "we do the next proof: we fill a bath, then we offer a teaspoon, a cup and a bin to the patient and we ask that he or she empties the bath. According how he or she empties the bath, we know if we have to hospitalize or not and which treatment to star.
- "Ah, I understand"- I said - "a normal person would use the bin because is bigger than the teaspoon and the cup".
- "No" - the head teacher said - "a normal person would take out the plug".
- "What do you prefer: a bedroom with or without a garden view?"
I´m sure that you think in the bin...
My mother!!! What type of friends with I have spent all these years... ha, ha, ha!!!
My bedroom has a garden view... and the one yours?
Only for women
- "What must we give a man who thinks he has of all things?"
- "We must give a woman to teach him how each thing works."
-"Why are married women more fat than the single women?"
- "The single woman arrives to her home, she sees what there are in the fridge and goes to bed; the married woman arrives to her home, she sees what there is in the bed and, she goes to the fridge."
- "Why does the black spider kill the male spider after copulating?"
- "To finish with the snore before this one starts".
- " Why only the 10% of the men go to the sky?"
- "Because if all men go there, the sky would be a hell!"
- " What is the difference between men and pigs?"
- "Pigs don´t become men when they drink."
-"What happened to a woman who get to understand to men?"
- " She died laughing and hadn´t time to relate it to anyone."
- " Why men always have their clear conscience?"
- " Because they never use it."
- "Why God created first a man and after a woman?"
- " Because first we experiment with animals."
- " Why do men like clever women?"
- "Because opposite poles attract."
- " What is the shorter book in the world?"
- " All what men know about women".
- " What is the difference between men and fruits?"
- " The main difference is that fruits ripen."
- " Why are batteries better than men?"
- " Because, at least, they have a positive side!"
- " Why are necessary millions od spermatozzons to fertilize an unique ovule?"
- " Because, espermatozzons are male and so, they never ask any adress... they lost!"
- " When do men lost the 90% of you intelligence?"
- " When they are widowed and the other 10% when their dog die!"
Cristóbal Colón could discover America only because he was single.
- "And... why do you have to go?"
- "And... why don´t they send another man?"
- "Are you the most silly?"
- "You see round all!"
- "Are you mad or idiot?"
- "You don´t know my family and you want to discover the new world!"
- "What do you hide?"
- "You don´t even know where you go!"
- "And... Only are men going to travel?"
- "Who is going to believe it?"
- "And... why can´t I go if you are the chief?"
- "You take me never travelling! Miserable! You don´t know any more what to invent to stay out our home."
- "If you cross that door, I go to my mother´s house! Scoundrel!"
- "And... who is such that María? What Paint (Pinta)? And do you say she is a Girl (Niña)? Piss off... sex maniac! You had planned all, damned!"
- "You are going to meet these whore Indias. You can´t fool me! Is The Queen going to sell her jewelry in order to you can travel?"
- "Do you think I´m silly or what? Namely what you have with that old woman! You won´t be allowed to go anywhere! You always arrange to leave me alone! If the world goes on plane, nothing is going to happen. So, don´t dress that... DON´T GO!"
No hay comentarios:
Publicar un comentario
Thank you very much for your comment! See you soon! A kiss!